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Eric Hoffer, the social writer and philosopher, once said "the search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness." Similarly, John Stuart Mill, the British philosopher and social theorist said, "ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so."

"Stop being so defensive!" is a phrase known to have begun or to have escalated many a battle between people in a relationship. The person told to stop being defensive usually responds by stating that he or she is not being defensive. The accuser then uses that response as evidence to prove his point and an argument ensues. The issue that was the subject of the exchange gets lost in the anger-storm and not reopened for some time, if ever.

Many people are under the impression that in order to forgive someone for some offense, like a betrayal, for example, they must somehow forget what happened in order to forgive the offender. These people will sometimes argue that it is impossible to forgive a person for some wrongdoing unless the offending act is somehow exorcised from their system, "deleted from my hard drive," as one client stated it, or forgotten by some other means.

In my ongoing work with couples, I have often listened to stories from clients about unfortunate developments in their relationship. They sound something like this: "we just don't have fun anymore," or "this marriage has been in a rut since our firstborn came along," or "there's no romance left," or "we're like a pair of comfortable old shoes…don't wear 'em much, but don't wanna throw 'em out, either," or "intimacy? are you kidding? what's that?!"

My work with Rachel was in the context of couples therapy with her and her husband, Ira. With Lila, an individual client, the work took place by using our relationship to help her work things out.

On several occasions, I have observed clients who seem to be listening when I am talking to them, but leave me doubtful about just how much they actually heard of what I said. When my doubt is high, I might ask for a response in order to test my impression, since this is obviously important to address.

There are people for whom losing anything at all is a major negative event with all kinds of troubling consequences. Others seem to be able to take a loss in stride and file it away as a minor disappointment that has little overall impact on their lives.

I have noticed a curious phenomenon that often creates confusion in relationships. Sometimes, when people are successful in getting something they want or need from another, they feel conflicted, perhaps guilty, and they attempt to relieve the other person of whatever it is they agreed to give. Let me illustrate with the following examples.

In my psychotherapy practice, I have worked with people who run the gamut from exceptionally wealthy to those who can barely survive on their very limited resources.

George, a 55 year old business executive, divorced for two years, has been dating two women he met on an Internet matchmaking service. The two new associations were in varying stages of development and George was enjoying the experience of "comparison shopping" before deciding which one of the two would, hopefully, become his "one and only" and, perhaps, eventually, his second wife.