He had informed both women that he was seeing someone else besides them and had been positively handling the occasional complications or conflicts of dating more than one person at a time. While enjoying some of the clear benefits of having two dating options, George was seriously interested in clarifying his interests and intentions and having a full relationship with one of them as soon as possible.
Neal, a 48 year old physician, was having quite a different experience. Neal was in the fourth year of his divorce from a woman to whom he had been married for twenty-five years. He, like George, was dating two women, but, unlike George, was feeling conflicted and guilty and having difficulty enjoying his time with either woman, seemingly because of the very existence of the other and his nagging belief that somehow or other “I’m doing something wrong!” by dating two women at the same time.
Having these two men as clients in my practice at the same time afforded an opportunity to learn something about the ways different people handle the experience of dating, especially when there are multiple partners. Several interesting and challenging issues emerged as the work with both of these men progressed.
The work with Neal focused on his intense discomfort about feeling that somehow he was “betraying” both women by dating them simultaneously and choosing not to inform either one about the existence of the other. Invited to consider letting both dating partners know that he was not seeing them exclusively felt premature and presumptuous to Neal, since both involvements were in their early stages. He was reluctant to assume or inadvertently encourage exclusivity with either woman.
What was discovered during the course of exploratory work with both of these men was that a key reason why George seemed conflict-free while Neal was so conflict-ridden was traceable to the way in which each one defined his particular experience. George was dating and, by his definition, would continue doing so with as many women as he pleased until such time as he chose one and then entered into a relationship. For him, dating was associated with “freedom,” “exploration,” “evaluation,” and “discovery.” What Neal and I discovered about his conflict was that his definition of dating was a first-encounter only experience, so that as soon as he saw a woman for the second time, he was in a relationship, which, for him, was quite different than dating and was associated with “commitment,” “loyalty,” “devotion,” and “exclusivity.” No wonder Neal was in such conflict. While it is possible to date two women concurrently, it is not okay to be having two relationships at the same time, which is the real reason, we learned, why he did not want to reveal each woman’s existence to the other and why he felt that he was “betraying” and “cheating” on both women for whom he cared and did not wish to hurt in any way.
Sometimes a seemingly simple and obvious insight like the one described in this article is all that is necessary to help someone feel better and be able to determine a suitable course of action that can lead to personal growth and meaningful change.
