When I think it’s appropriate and the timing is right, I have introduced the idea of marital dating and have marveled at some of their reactions. They sound something like the following: “that’s a better oxymoron than ‘jumbo shrimp!'” or “hey, Dr. J., you must have gone to therapy school on Pluto…couldn’t have been this planet!” or “that’s funny! Got any more good jokes?!”
With these couples, once we get beyond the ‘shock’ and the ‘humor’, a serious exploration of the idea often occurs and some clients are intrigued by the possibility of reactivating the spirit of their courtship and consider having what one couple called “a revival.” It is always interesting to observe the excitement as two people begin to imagine what “dating” might consist of at this point in their relationship… (marital dating discussions have been conducted with couples who have been together for as long as 38 years and for as short a time as one year).
Almost always, especially in the first or second session with a new couple, I ask each one to tell me the story of how they met and about the courtship experience. Most often, the previously gloomy and upsetting statement of the reasons why they came to see me is replaced by positive interaction, laughter, and simple joy at how wonderful things used to be. Some people have thanked me for asking about this since they had “forgotten” what it once was like and had not visited that place and time in their lives for quite awhile. Clearly, the “new normal” had become their relationship troubles; the earlier positives and satisfactions too long gone from memory.
The idea of marital dating is consistent with the theme of an article I wrote entitled, “Marriage is a Verb, Not a Noun.” It is also consistent with another concept captured in an article entitled, “Problem or Condition.” For example, if a couple sees their sluggish or unfulfilling relationship as a condition, they are more likely to accept it as such, do nothing about it, and muddle through. If, on the other hand, a couple views their less-than-satisfactory relationship as a problem, then they are much more likely to work to solve it since, as we know, a problem is something we try to solve; a condition is something we live with.
Once a couple embraces the idea of dating as a viable relationship activity, the ways in which they approach this are, essentially, up to them and something they often have fun working out. One couple had a regular date immediately following their weekly couples session. Another couple’s date was their weekly dinner and dance lesson. A third couple handled this by taking turns surprising the other with a “mystery date” every Friday after finding a babysitter for the first time in six years!
There is a wonderful New Yorker cartoon with an older couple sitting in front of a marriage counselor. The husband says to the counselor, “no heavy lifting!” As a couples counselor, I am always pleased when the introduction of a simple idea like “marital dating” inspires a couple to do the ‘heavy lifting’ all by themselves.
