The subject of money and its role in peoples’ lives comes up frequently in sessions and in a variety of ways, aside from the issue of the fee for the therapy itself. With individuals, the issues tend to center around the cost of living reasonably well in New York City and managing the familiar demon of financial debt.
With couples, the issues are much the same, however a common debate occurs when different priorities and different values crate conflict between marital partners regarding what is and is not affordable.
Money issues, too, are often an indirect means of expressing other beliefs and fears that people hold, perhaps without being consciously aware of them. One example of this phenomenon was apparent in the therapy of a wealthy investment banker who, despite his high six-figure annual income, told me that he was convinced it was impossible to afford to raise a child in New York City. The many people he knew who were raising one or more children in New York with a fraction of his income had no impact on him, whatsoever. Further therapeutic investigation of this rather curious and strongly-held belief, revealed a man who was frightened to become a father, traceable to his own painful history as a child in an unstable and unhappy family. “I can’t afford to raise a child” really had nothing to do with money. He could not afford it emotionally, not financially, and was helped by being able to recognize how a long-held “money issue” had nothing really to do with money at all.
Another client informed me that despite his need to develop an exercise program for health reasons, he was not able to “afford” a membership at a local gym because the $900 annual membership (which could be paid at $75 per month) was “way too expensive” for him. It was helpful that I happened to know that this same client thought nothing of frequently ordering $150 bottles of wine when he ate out several times each month! He never saw the “can afford/can’t afford” connection.
Another client complained in a marital therapy session that a raise for the nanny (whom he did not particularly care for) was “out of the question” since it was “a budget-buster.” When reminded by his wife that the price he paid for two tickets to the World Series for him and his son ($900 each!) he realized how little the issue being discussed was money-related.
Some other examples I have encountered are the person who “couldn’t afford” a vacation involving air travel when his camouflaged fear of flying was the real issue; the woman who claimed “financial hardship” that made it “impossible” to pay an entry fee to a social event, was really terrified of the rejection she was sure she would suffer if she attended; or the client who told me he could no longer afford the training program in which he was struggling to survive when he was actually wrestling with a fear of failure and wanted out of the training before he was asked to leave.
We are all vulnerable to making judgments like the ones described above. It is especially helpful and self-enlightening when we ‘dig a little deeper’ in order to determine whether we are being truly realistic with ourselves or if we are substituting a money issue for something different, entirely unrelated, and perhaps, something about ourselves that we need to address with a mind toward personal growth and change.
