Defensiveness is a term that is used to mean many things. It can refer to someone who blames circumstances, luck, or others when things don’t work out. Or someone who creates excuses for not having done something. Defensive people tend to argue back forcefully and get angry when criticized or feel cornered by someone. Defensiveness is not uncommon with people who have a fragile self-esteem but also emerges as part of a troublesome dynamic between people who don’t know how to resolve conflict effectively.
Patricia and Ken have struggled with a troubled marriage for many years and entered therapy at the point at which they were contemplating divorce. Their arguments had escalated to the point of mutual slander and they could hardly be contained in the treatment room. Each complained that the other was provocative, argumentative, and “unable to communicate.” ‘Attack and defend’ seemed to be their primary communication style.
Work with this couple was quite challenging and required considerable efforts to help them contain their long-standing mutual resentment and anger. The first step was to help them both be aware of when they were becoming defensive and why, so that they could own it and use their self-awareness in constructive ways. Defensiveness blocks our ability to take in feedback from others so it is important to recognize defensive behavior in ourselves and not just in others. When both Patricia and Ken were at the point where each could identify their own defensiveness, the anger level in their relationship diminished considerably and their new self-awareness was celebrated by both as a significant achievement and deservedly so.
Improving one’s ability to listen to others and truly hear what is being said is another important way in which to reduce defensiveness. Since defensive responses occur so spontaneously, it is important to slow down in interactions with others so that there is time to process what is occurring and therefore to respond in more positive and less defensive ways. Patricia, both in and out of her relationship with Ken, was notorious for what I call defensive pre-emptive strikes. Fearing failure or defeat, she would declare its likelihood before it occurred. When Patricia told Ken that she would lose their tennis match before they even started to play, for example, she was attempting to protect herself and get relief from her anticipated failure. The belief that she would lose may actually have increased the likelihood that she would do so. In addition, it detracted from the pleasure and enjoyment of what was supposed to be a casual athletic and social encounter with her husband.
Ken has struggled with self-doubts about his intelligence for years and, as a result, tended to become defensive when he imagined his intelligence was being questioned or doubted by another. This might explain why when Patricia once said to him in a therapy session, “I don’t think you understand what I mean,” Ken had a defensive reaction, saying, “what do you think I am, stupid?!” The non-defensive response might have sounded something like, “okay, then help me understand,” or “what is it I’m missing?” and he might have learned something from Patricia, rather than close himself off in anger.
One of the best ways to limit or reduce your own defensive reactions – in addition to becoming more aware of them – is to challenge the ways in which you are self-critical. When you have a tendency to be self-critical and disparage yourself for your weaknesses, limitations, or failures, you are more likely to become defensive when you perceive others – rightly or wrongly – thinking the same way about you. Working this out, i.e. striving to become more self-accepting and tolerant of your limitations and vulnerabilities, is the key to achieving a much less defensive self.
