When forgiveness is somehow linked to a need to forget, the likelihood of achieving the goal of true forgiveness is less likely. We cannot legislate forgetting but it is tempting to view it as a solution to an interpersonal problem. Forgetting may be perceived as a “shortcut” to forgiving; we may imagine “if I could forget about what happened I won’t have to go through the work of forgiving.”
There are components of forgiveness that are at times difficult to achieve. We need to feel that the person is truly sorry for the pain they have caused us and that they understand the implications of their actions. It also requires that, despite our hurt and anger, we are able to understand how the other could have wronged us. “Forgetting” does not allow for these processes to take place. The following are examples of the issues that need to be faced when “unforgivable offenses” take place.
Mindy had arranged for her friend, Gil, to take care of her dog for her while she was away overnight on a business trip. Gil was to have come to feed and walk the dog the night of her departure and then again in the morning on the day of her return. I’ll leave it to your imagination to guess what occurred when Mindy returned and discovered the scene in her apartment as a result of Gil’s having forgotten his commitment to do the favor as promised…(dog was okay; apartment was not). Once her rage subsided several days later over Gil’s “unforgivable” offense, Mindy told me that she wanted to try to forgive Gil, her long-time closest friend, since the dog was okay and the apartment cleaned up and restored. She asked my help in finding a way to “forget what happened” so that she could forgive Gil and resume their excellent relationship.
Malcolm had a similar belief as Mindy’s. For over a decade, he has been urged by family and friends to find a way to forgive his father for a variety of past offenses that led to their complete estrangement. They had been in business together and his father had made a terrible decision that almost led to bankruptcy; a decision his father made without consulting his son, which he later agreed was wrong. Nonetheless, this was repeated later and this time, the business was ruined with legal consequences to both of them.
In a recent session, Malcolm said, “I cannot forgive him because I simply can’t forget what he did and the ways he hurt me.” It was clear that he was looking for some way to forgive his father, claiming to “want him back, regardless of what he did.” He, too, seemed to link the perceived need to forget in order to forgive and clearly was finding it impossible to achieve.
Fortunately, both Mindy and Malcolm were helped to achieve the goal of forgiveness once they were able to separate forgiving and forgetting. When they accepted that forgetting the offenses was not a goal likely to be achieved, they could accept the more viable goal of lessening the negative sensations and ideas that plagued them, so that they could forgive the people they loved and with whom they wanted a continued relationship despite the upsetting events that had occurred. In other words, what happened remains in memory, but also remains much less upsetting and permits the resumption of a relationship with the offending party.
