When people who have this difficulty are listening to another speak to them, they are often busy planning how to respond. They might be planning a defense of their position if a disagreement is involved; or, they might be ‘shutting down’ if they are listening to something they don’t want to hear. Others may be busy trying to make a favorable impression and therefore are busy monitoring the dialogue, rather than hearing it, in order to insure that they are viewed positively.
Rachel, the wife in a married couple I have been seeing in my practice, is a good example of someone whose apparent listening style concerned me enough to address it directly with her. It was important to do this in a way that was not seen – as much as possible – as blameful or critical so as not to create hurt and, therefore, defeat my effort to help. While observing Rachel listening to her husband recently, I saw that she seemed to be preparing for what she sometimes referred to as “my turn.” Ira had said a lot and it was important information that had potential to advance one of their treatment goals. When it was “her turn,” Rachel said nothing about any of what Ira had just told her. I asked her if she could tell me – in her own words – what she had just heard. She drew a complete blank and was unable to offer anything. The three of us sat there momentarily stunned! The efforts to help Rachel become a more patient listener and to truly focus on what is being said to her have helped her significantly, both in her marriage and in her relationships, in general.
Lila, another client, was similar, however she tended to be a somewhat competitive and combative person who had an argumentative manner of relating to others. ‘Winning’ was quite important to her and this guided her interactions with people leading to countless difficulties with family, friends, and co-workers. Early in our work together, I noticed that Lila had trouble waiting to speak, often talking over me or demonstrating impatience when I spoke, however much or little. Fortunately, with help and with time, Lila came to appreciate how her manner of relating and what I termed her ‘listening impatience’ were defeating her. In addition to understanding the origins of her particular style of relating, we embarked on an effort to ease the “right-wrong” nature of her interactions and to improve her ability to listen…with good success.
In Part II of this article, I discuss some of the ways in which both Rachel and Lila were helped.
