It is distressing when a client tells me that they have never observed – or themselves, experienced – what they would define as a successful romantic relationship.
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Forgive and Forget
Many people are under the impression that in order to forgive someone for some offense, like a betrayal, for example, they must somehow forget what happened in order to forgive the offender. These people will sometimes argue that it is impossible to forgive a person for some wrongdoing unless the offending act is somehow exorcised from their system, "deleted from my hard drive," as one client stated it, or forgotten by some other means.
Marital Dating
In my ongoing work with couples, I have often listened to stories from clients about unfortunate developments in their relationship. They sound something like this: "we just don't have fun anymore," or "this marriage has been in a rut since our firstborn came along," or "there's no romance left," or "we're like a pair of comfortable old shoes…don't wear 'em much, but don't wanna throw 'em out, either," or "intimacy? are you kidding? what's that?!"
Listening Patience – Part 2
My work with Rachel was in the context of couples therapy with her and her husband, Ira. With Lila, an individual client, the work took place by using our relationship to help her work things out.
Listening Patience – Part 1
On several occasions, I have observed clients who seem to be listening when I am talking to them, but leave me doubtful about just how much they actually heard of what I said. When my doubt is high, I might ask for a response in order to test my impression, since this is obviously important to address.
Fears, Feelings, and Facts
There is a strong tendency on the part of many people to confuse fears, feelings, and facts. In therapy sessions, I often hear statements like the following: "I am definitely not going to get that promotion (raise, award, scholarship, etc.)" or "she is not going to want to go out with me again!" or "there is no way I will get that mortgage I applied for." Certainly, there may be validity to some of these assertions or beliefs, but I wonder why the optimism or hopefulness is missing when these individuals express themselves. Why are they not saying "I hope I get that promotion," or "I would like to think she'll go out with me again," etc.?
Sore Losing
There are people for whom losing anything at all is a major negative event with all kinds of troubling consequences. Others seem to be able to take a loss in stride and file it away as a minor disappointment that has little overall impact on their lives.
Do You Want My Help or Don’t You?
I have noticed a curious phenomenon that often creates confusion in relationships. Sometimes, when people are successful in getting something they want or need from another, they feel conflicted, perhaps guilty, and they attempt to relieve the other person of whatever it is they agreed to give. Let me illustrate with the following examples.
I Can’t Afford THAT
In my psychotherapy practice, I have worked with people who run the gamut from exceptionally wealthy to those who can barely survive on their very limited resources.
Thinking Instead of Doing
Rebecca, a new client in my psychotherapy practice, was a recent arrival to New York thanks to a company transfer. She was eager to begin dating and so indicated an intention to join several internet dating services to "get the ball rolling" on her social and romantic life in her new city. She also vowed to join two organizations as additional ways of meeting new people…especially men. After several sessions, I noticed that Rebecca had done nothing along these lines, despite her declared eagerness to do everything she said she would and more.