I have noticed a curious phenomenon that often creates confusion in relationships. Sometimes, when people are successful in getting something they want or need from another, they feel conflicted, perhaps guilty, and they attempt to relieve the other person of whatever it is they agreed to give. Let me illustrate with the following examples.
Help Me!
Filter by article categories:
I Can’t Afford THAT
In my psychotherapy practice, I have worked with people who run the gamut from exceptionally wealthy to those who can barely survive on their very limited resources.
Thinking Instead of Doing
Rebecca, a new client in my psychotherapy practice, was a recent arrival to New York thanks to a company transfer. She was eager to begin dating and so indicated an intention to join several internet dating services to "get the ball rolling" on her social and romantic life in her new city. She also vowed to join two organizations as additional ways of meeting new people…especially men. After several sessions, I noticed that Rebecca had done nothing along these lines, despite her declared eagerness to do everything she said she would and more.
Syntonic and Dystonic
The terms ego-syntonic and ego-dystonic are part of my standard thinking vocabulary as a psychotherapist. I find them extremely useful in my work when evaluating a client for treatment and I have introduced these terms to clients on many occasions as one way of helping them to better understand themselves.
Am I Dating or Am I in a Relationship?
George, a 55 year old business executive, divorced for two years, has been dating two women he met on an Internet matchmaking service. The two new associations were in varying stages of development and George was enjoying the experience of "comparison shopping" before deciding which one of the two would, hopefully, become his "one and only" and, perhaps, eventually, his second wife.
Well, If You Say It That Way…!
One of the interesting things I have observed in my counseling and psychotherapy practice is the way in which some people justify or validate their fears and, therefore, defeat their efforts to make some of the changes they entered therapy to achieve.
Defensiveness
The following is an example of an exchange between two people -frequently a married couple in a counseling session – that often leads to a troubled stalemate or, worse, intensified frustration and greater conflict.
Don’t Just Do Something, Stand There!
One of the things I have learned in the course of my years providing counseling and psychotherapy is the importance of listening. Some believe ‘just listening’ to be too passive and, therefore, perhaps, not sufficiently helpful. Others appreciate the value and helpfulness of simply having an opportunity to talk about something and feel well heard and understood by a good listener.
Handling Criticism
If criticism were an object, some people would think of it as a dagger, a spear, or a two by four aimed at the head. Too few think of it as a gift that can be useful and lead to beneficial long-term change.
Saying “I’m Sorry”
This article is about something I have often observed in my work with clients, especially with couples, that continues to baffle and cause concern: the inability to say "I'm sorry."
