The ‘he’ and ‘she’ are interchangeable: She: “I hate it when you walk out in the middle of one of our conversations.”
He: “I really don’t think I do that.”
She: “Oh, yes you do!”
He: “NO, I DON’T!”
She: “Don’t get defensive!”
He: “I’m NOT being defensive!”
She: “Oh, yes you are.”
He: “I’m just disagreeing with you. Stop calling me defensive…”
When one member of a couple accuses their partner of being defensive, it usually feels like an attack that inspires a counterattack, as most attacks of any kind will do. What gets lost in these exchanges is the issue that was originally raised. Unfortunately, this disenables a meaningful discussion that might have led to deeper understanding and positive behavioral change between both parties. If too often repeated, it also has the effect of creating an atmosphere of despair when two people continually bog down in self-defeating exchanges like this one. Defensiveness is usually a two-way street; as one person becomes defensive, the other person responds defensively and the situation deteriorates from there.
What does “defensive” actually mean and what activates this response in us? Defensiveness is probably best defined as an automatic, emotional response to a perceived threat. It is an unconscious effort to protect the self from anxiety, either through diversionary and intimidation tactics or by distortions of reality. It takes many forms and covers a great deal of emotionally charged situations. People who are defensive have a tendency to blame circumstances, luck, or others when things don’t work out. They create excuses for not having done something, rather than take responsibility. They argue back forcefully in an effort to convince others that they are okay when they sense or know that someone may feel otherwise. Defensiveness exacts a terrible price on relationships. It poisons communication, breeds distrust, and creates roadblocks toward better understanding ourselves and others.
Excessive defensiveness may prevent one from learning from his or her mistakes. With a healthy self-esteem, one is able to admit mistakes, however with low self-esteem, one tends to be too hard on them self for even small mistakes or will go to the other extreme and defensively never admit them.
When some people anticipate failure of an attempt at something, they begin telling people why it will likely fail. This might apply to a relationship, an attempt at a new job, or any endeavor where there is uncertainty and outcomes cannot be predicted or guaranteed. This is known as advanced defensiveness and can increase the likelihood of failure.
Here is an example:
Liz enjoyed both of her dates with Carl, a man she met by chance at a restaurant on her lunch hour. She feared that Carl would not pursue the relationship with her because “he’s so wonderful and so smart…why would he want to have a relationship with me?!” Liz’s subsequent conduct of her relationship with Carl was marked by numerous self-sabotaging behaviors that were designed to help her save face and soften the pain of rejection that she convinced herself was inevitable. She took days to return phone calls, sounded chilly toward him when they finally spoke to each other, and pretended to be “too busy” when Carl tried to arrange their next date. These were examples of Liz’s pattern of protecting a fragile self-esteem and practically inviting the very rejection she so dreaded with this very appealing man.
How does someone with a defensive style work to overcome it? There are a few things that might help, but that don’t occur easily or without considerable effort. Begin by noticing your feelings, your body, and your words either expressed outwardly or inwardly when you feel the urge to defend yourself. By getting to know yourself better, you might be able to know what responses are working for you and which ones are not. See if it is possible not to feel as though you must always be right or need to prove yourself to others. Rather than become defensive when you feel criticized or imagine a negative outcome of some sort, perhaps you can try to being curious instead in order to learn something from the feedback you get from others. There is a wonderful sense of freedom when we come to believe that we do not have to defend ourselves in order to prove ourselves, feel understood by another, or be right all the time.