My monthly newsletter, usually consisting of two original articles written by me, has been offered on my web site since March, 2008. It is an opportunity for me to inform and enlighten you, my subscribers, about mental health and social-psychological topics that I believe you might not otherwise read about. It is also an opportunity for me to explore and share the things that have aroused my curiosity and interest throughout almost four decades as a mental health counselor and psychotherapist.
This article is about something I have often observed in my work with clients, especially with couples, that continues to baffle and cause concern: the inability to say “I’m sorry.”
On countless occasions, I have heard reports of a conflict with someone in considerable detail. Often, a client will acknowledge that he or she was responsible – partially, if not completely – for an unfortunate experience with a partner, friend, or colleague, for example. I listen for evidence of regret and remorse when I believe that to be an appropriate response based on the details of the story. Typically, there are three conclusions to stories like these. First, is the virtual absence of responsibility for the conflict and the belief that the other person involved is completely at fault and, therefore, no apology is necessary. Second, is the complete or partial acceptance of personal responsibility, accompanied by an apology to the offended party. Third, is when someone is able to acknowledge responsibility, but either will not, or, as it often seems, cannot, bring themselves to offer an apology. This response is the one that interests me.
Many people, it seems, view an apology, especially coming from them, as a sign of weakness. Interestingly, when asked if they view it that way when coming from another, they do not see it as weakness at all. Rather, it is the “right” or the “responsible” thing to do. Remarkably, some will say it is a “sign of strength” or “maturity” when offered by the other person, but still feel that it is an unacceptable admission of defeat – or weakness- when the apology is theirs to give to someone else. Interesting, don’t you think?
During couples counseling, often I will hear reports of a terrible argument or fight that occurred outside the session. I will hear statements of sorrow about things said in the heat of battle or deep remorse about the possible relationship damage caused by hateful words or even worse behavior than that. At some point, I might ask the offending party whether he or she apologized and, too often it seems, hear “no” in response.
Another reason why people fail to apologize is not because they are trying to be rude or mean, but because they just are not used to saying it. Perhaps they might have difficulty with recognizing apology-worthy situations and do not appreciate the value of an apology, especially to a loved one. Perhaps it is simply not part of their interpersonal repertoire. I have often witnessed anger evaporate, resentment disappear, and coldness toward another melt before my eyes when “I’m sorry” is offered and clearly heartfelt. An apology given reluctantly, insincerely, or with resentment has the potential to make matters worse and should probably be avoided.
Saying you’re sorry can be a very difficult thing to do, but the rewards that could come your way make it worth the effort.
