I recall one client leaving a treatment session and thanking me for “one of the most useful and productive sessions I have ever had.” I marveled at the fact that I had been uncommonly silent throughout most of the hour while she spoke intently about an important matter affecting her life. What was clear to me was that she felt well attended to and cared for thanks to my undivided attention, even though I had hardly uttered a word.
One of the difficulties that seems to occur in many relationships is that the person listening to another finds it difficult to accept what they consider to be a passive or inactive role when the other person is expressing upset and appears to need a solution to a troubling problem. A couple I see for marital therapy recently reported an exchange that illustrated this. Carla was expressing upset about her relationship with a brother who had acted offensively toward her. Her husband, Tim, felt as though he had to do something to solve Carla’s problem with her brother. Carla had not asked for Tim’s help; she just wanted him to listen and be empathic as she shared her feelings. Tim’s self-imposed obligation to solve Carla’s problem believing that it was his responsibility and an opportunity to prove that he is a good and caring husband led to marital conflict. He felt inadequate when he could not come up with a solution to Carla’s problem. His frustration led to anger at his wife for, as he stated it, “presenting me with a problem I could not solve.” Carla felt sandbagged, having never asked for anything more from Tim than empathic understanding and his attentive ear.
What’s the message here? Sometimes the most meaningful and effective way to provide help is to be a good listener and not an active problem-solver, especially when that may not have even been asked of you. People often find their own solutions when they have an opportunity to express their feelings in an atmosphere of acceptance, patience, tolerance, and support. Active and attentive silence may, at times, be far more helpful than anything you can say or do to help another.
