According to a new study by kinesiology Ph.D student Jay Goldstein of the University of Maryland School of Public Health, ego defensiveness, one of the triggers that ignites road rage, also kicks off parental “sideline rage,” and that a parent with a control-oriented personality is more likely to react to that trigger by becoming angry and aggressive.
By surveying parents at youth soccer games in suburban Washington, D.C., Goldstein found that parents became angry when their ego got in the way. “When they perceived something that happened during the game to be personally directed at them or their child, they got angry,” says Goldstein. “That’s consistent with findings on road rage.” Perhaps a telling example of this is how we experience the driver who cuts us off on the highway. We don’t say, “he cut my car off.” Instead, we say, “he cut me off” and we feel it as a personal affront; even an attack. Worse, we might experience the event as one in which we were bested, defeated, or made to feel week and inadequate for allowing it to happen in the first place. Often, that response triggers a need for revenge or retaliation. Similarly, when a child performs poorly on the playing field, some parents see that moment as a reflection on them and become angry at the embarrassment or humiliation caused by that child. This is true, too, when a “bad” call by a game official feels like a personal attack on the child or the parent.
Goldstein discovered that the parents he defined as control-oriented were the ones more likely to take something personally and flare up at referees, opposing players, and their own kids, than autonomy-oriented parents, who take greater responsibility for their own behavior. Fifty-three percent of the 340 parents he surveyed reported getting angry, to some degree, during their kids soccer games. The sources of the anger were most often the referee and their own children’s teams. Most parents reported getting only slightly angry for less than two minutes.
About 40 percent of the parents reported responding to their anger with actions that ranged from muttering to themselves to yelling and walking toward the field. Regardless of their personality type, all parents were susceptible to becoming more aggressive as a result of viewing actions on the field as affronts to them or their kids. The autonomy-oriented parents took longer to get angry as compared to the control-oriented parents.
What can you do if you see yourself as a person or parent guilty of the types of anger and aggression described in this article? First, try to get perspective as quickly as you can and appreciate the moment for what it truly is, i.e. just someone driving aggressively or even irresponsibly that does not require a similar response from you; or, a disappointing or negative moment in the game that truly does not concern you directly and, therefore, does not necessitate a public response, especially if you are upset or angry. Second, use the presence of your child, where possible, and remember that you are the parent and a responsible role model for your children…always and forever. Would you want him or her exploding at the game or raging at other drivers now or later in life? Third, try to replace angry thoughts with rational ones. For example, “this is my child’s game, not mine,” or, “this, too, shall pass.”
