The Relationship Checkup is a list of 11 points that will help you evaluate your relationship. These points are based on recent research completed separately by psychologists Judith Wallerstein and John Gottman. Check off the statements that apply to your relationship, and you will quickly gain a sense of the strengths and the opportunities for improvement.
1. People in successful, long-lasting relationships invested themselves fully in the relationship. While they have positive relationships with their parents, siblings, and other relatives, they are not overly involved with them. Some signs that you have a healthy relationship with your family (not too close, not too distant) include:
_____Your families visit when invited
_____Their visits are short but satisfying
_____You speak with family members by phone, but not too often
_____Family members give advice when they are asked
The following are some signs that your family may be too involved in your life. This can create problems in your relationship over time.
_____Your family members visit too often
_____They stay too long
_____They telephone frequently
_____They give unsolicited advice
_____They drop in unannounced
2. People in successful relationships have their own identity as a couple. There is a feeling of both togetherness and independence in the relationship. If you have developed an identity as a couple, the following things are most likely true:
_____You feel loyal toward each other
_____You listen carefully to each other
_____You know each other’s histories
_____You pay attention to each other’s moods and body language
_____You share your thoughts and feelings
_____You allow each other a private space and don’t intrude on it
_____You respect each other as separate, autonomous people
If you have not fully developed your sense of identity as a couple, you will recognize signs like these:
_____You are sometimes disloyal toward each other
_____You don’t listen carefully to each other
_____You don’t know very much about each other’s pasts
_____You ignore each other’s moods and body language
_____You keep your thoughts and feelings to yourselves
_____You sometimes invade each other’s private space
_____Even though you may live in the same house, it sometimes seems like you are living parallel lives.
3. Bringing children into a relationship changes it radically. Couples with children learn to successfully integrate them into their relationship. Positive signs include:
_____You accept that there are times when you must place your own needs after the needs of your child.
_____You do your best to stay in touch with each other emotionally and nurture your relationship.
_____You set aside time every week for the two of you to spend time alone together.
The following signs indicate that you have not fully integrated children into your relationship:
_____You resent the times when you must put your child’s needs ahead of your own
_____You are overly focused on your child
_____You have lost touch with each other emotionally
_____You hardly ever find time to be alone with your partner
4. Every relationship is challenged by crises and life transitions. Losing a job, a death in the family, a serious accident, or other significant events can test any relationship. If your relationship has successfully navigated life’s crises and transitions, the following statements are most likely true:
_____You never blame each other for the stress that comes with the crisis
_____You face difficult times as a team
_____You look for ways to support each other emotionally
_____You help each other keep your perspective when there is a crisis
_____You seek outside support during times of crisis (talking to friends and family, seeing a counselor, etc.)
If the crises and life transitions have done harm to your relationship, you have probably experienced the following during the difficult times:
_____One partner seems to emotionally abandon the other
_____One partner blames the other
_____One partner becomes extremely angry, worried, or anxious
_____You don’t seek support from people who could help you
5. Successful relationships are safe places where anger, conflict, and differences may safely be expressed. Each partner is allowed to have and express their own views. The following signs point to this being true:
_____You have had serious conflicts, but you have not allowed them to damage your relationship
_____You respect the other person’s right to stand his or her ground
_____You may find anger uncomfortable, but you accept that it is a part of life
In relationships where it is not safe to express conflict, the following things are true:
_____Your conflicts have harmed your relationship
_____You disagree about many things but never talk about them
_____You both try to intimidate the other into agreeing with your point of view
_____Anger is so uncomfortable that you avoid it
_____There are no limits to what you will do when you become angry
6. Successful long-term relationships have a positive sexual component. The partners take care to protect their sexual relationship from the demands of work and family. The signs of such a relationship are:
_____You sometimes have different levels of sexual need, but you make room for each other’s changing levels of desire
_____You are honest with each other about your changing sexual desires and feelings
_____You set aside time for your sexual relationship and protect your privacy
If a sexual relationship is less than satisfying, the following statements are true:
_____You find it hard to talk about sex
_____Sex is like a battlefield
_____You never have time for sex
7. Successful partners share laughter and fun times, and work to maintain their mutual interests. For example:
_____You have fun together
_____You make each other laugh
_____You find each other interesting
_____You each have interests that you pursue on your own
If your relationship is becoming stale, you will tend to describe it like this:
_____You rarely have fun together anymore
_____You don’t laugh much when you are together
_____You are bored with each other
_____You avoid spending time together
_____You have few shared interests
8. Relationships that last are safe places where you can let down your guard and be vulnerable. You know you can count on the other to comfort and encourage you. If this is true, you might describe it as follows:
_____It is okay to be vulnerable when you are with your partner
_____You understand each other
_____You encourage each other
_____You pay attention to each other’s moods and respond when the other seems needy
If your relationship is not a very safe place, the following is probably true:
_____It is not safe to be needy and vulnerable in your relationship
_____You exhaust each other’s emotional reserves
_____You don’t pay attention to each other’s moods
_____When you are worried about something, you avoid telling your partner
_____You feel worse about yourself when you are with your partner
9. People who have successful long-term relationships stay romantic and idealistic about each other, even though they are growing older. These are some of the signs of such a relationship:
_____You have good memories of when you fell in love with your partner
_____You are glad to be growing older with your partner
If you have lost some of the romance of your relationship, you are likely to agree with these statements:
_____You can hardly remember the days when the two of you first fell in love
_____Seeing your partner grow older makes you feel badly because it reminds you that you are growing older
10. You have far more positive moments in your relationship than negative ones. Some signs of positive moments include:
_____You show affection for each other
_____You apologize for the hurtful things you may say or do
_____You show each other empathy
_____You are polite to each other
Examples of negative moments include:
_____Your discussions often leave you feeling frustrated
_____You often pick on each other
_____Many of your conversations turn into arguments
_____You behave disrespectfully toward each other
_____You are physically violent with each other
11. People in successful relationships are able to manage conflict productively. They are skilled at keeping times of discord from getting out of control. For example:
_____You call a time-out when your emotions escalate
_____You know how to calm yourselves down
_____You take care to speak and listen non-defensively
_____You take care to validate the other person’s point of view, even when you disagree with it
Couples in less successful relationships allow conflict to become damaging in the following ways:
_____You blame each other
_____You treat each other disrespectfully
_____You deny responsibility for your own actions
_____You become so angry that you leave or emotionally withdraw
Number of items you checked in the “positive” areas: ________
Number of items you checked in the “negative” areas: ________
Ideally, you checked no items in the “negative” areas. If you checked more than five, you have some opportunities to improve your relationship. As a beginning, you may wish to read one or more of the books listed below.
Suggested Reading:
Gottman, John, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, New York, NY: Crown Publishers, 1999.
Gottman, John, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last. New York, NY: Fireside Books, 1994.
Wallerstein, Judith, and Blakeslee, Sandra, The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts. New York, NY: Warner Books, 1995.