• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Richard B. Joelson, DSW

Psychotherapist, Author

  • Home
  • Book
    • Press Kit
  • Articles
  • Commentaries
  • Audio
  • Biography
  • Practice
  • Contact

Refuting Compliments

by Richard B. Joelson, DSW.  Category: Help Me!, Newsletter Articles. 

By Prostock-studio / Shutterstock

Why can’t we just say thank you?

Wife: “Gee, you look sexy in that new underwear, honey!”
Husband: “No, I don’t. I’ve gained five pounds. I look like a pig, and I’m too flabby!”

Me: “It’s wonderful that you were able to achieve that, you know!”
Patient: “Yeah, well thanks to you and my medication, I was able to.”

Boss: “Your work has been excellent and we think you’ve earned the new position of executive assistant, so we’re going to move you into that slot next week.”
Office Worker (patient): “Are you sure I deserve it? After all, I’m relatively new here and I don’t think I’m that good!”

New Boyfriend: “I’ve really enjoyed our relationship and I’m so glad I met you!”
My Client: “Oh, you’re just saying that.”

I have long wondered why people have so much difficulty accepting compliments and flattering remarks. I have observed this in myself at times, as well. It seems that people have a tendency to repudiate (i.e. reject as untrue), or refute (i.e. prove to be false by arguing with the person complimenting or offering evidence), compliments regarding them as invalid and undeserved. I often wonder why a simple “thank you” is so difficult for so many at moments like these.

I have the impression that many people feel uncomfortable when receiving a compliment because they assume that accepting it outright will be perceived as boastfulness or arrogance. They believe that simple acceptance will appear as though they were too enthusiastically agreeing with the person complimenting them. It would be as if hearing that someone felt they looked good today, they said “Yes, I sure do!” in response. People would rather appear humble instead of haughty, and one (unfortunate) way to achieve that, it seems, is to refute compliments.

Along with this, some people seem to believe that refuting a compliment is a form of politeness and, therefore, accepting a compliment outright must be impolite. Some variation of denial replaces what would otherwise be appreciation and gratitude for the compliment.

Another reason why people may refute a compliment is because they simply do not believe it’s true and thus disavow it. For example, Bob tells Mary that he thinks she’s very pretty. Mary responds with such comments as “Oh, no I’m not,” or “I’ll bet you say that to every woman,” or “You must need new glasses.” One might imagine that Mary, who has struggled all of her life with a negative self-image, would be pleased to receive Bob’s compliment and perhaps even find it reassuring. Instead, she refutes it because his belief about her appearance directly contradicts her own and so Mary has no way to take it in. If she, too, thought she was pretty, she would have been more likely to accept the compliment and be pleased. Unfortunately, this was not the case. In light of Mary’s reaction, Bob winds up feeling like he said something objectionable or problematic when all he did was compliment his girlfriend.

If, for any reason, you are someone who finds yourself struggling with receiving compliments like some of the people in the examples above, perhaps your own quiet reflection might help you understand why. Rather than expressing yourself in a way that challenges or repudiates a well-intentioned other who seems to have nice things to say about you, a simple “thank you” will always do very nicely while you privately attempt to figure out why a compliment or flattery stirred conflict within you in the first place.

Tweet
Share
Share
0 Shares

An updated version of Refuting Compliments is included in my new book, Help Me!. More information, including the table of contents, reviews and purchasing information is available on the Help Me! page.

Primary Sidebar

Recent Commentaries

  • Commentary: Growth and Fixed Mindsets

  • Thoughts on Trauma in the Time of COVID-19

  • Anticipatory Anxiety and the Current Political Climate

  • Commentary on “Insight Rich and Change Poor” and “Thinking Instead of Doing”

Top Articles

  • Ambivalationships

  • Chronic Couples Conflict – Causes & Cures

  • Fears, Feelings, and Facts

  • Good Enough – Excellent – Perfect

  • Handling Rather Than Avoiding

  • Hindsight, Insight, and Foresight

  • How Could They Have Said That?

  • Insight Rich and Change Poor

  • Marriage is a Verb, Not a Noun

  • Married Bachelors – Married Bachelorettes

  • Premature Quitting

  • Pride or Boasting

  • Problem or Condition?

  • Self-Blame or Self-Inquiry?

  • Snatching Defeat From the Jaws of Victory

  • Syntonic and Dystonic

  • Thinking Instead of Doing

  • Unsolicited Advice

News

  • Commentary: Growth and Fixed Mindsets

    June 23rd, 2021
  • Thoughts on Trauma in the Time of COVID-19

    April 3rd, 2020

Article Categories

  • Work and Career Issues
  • Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress
  • Stress Management
  • Self-Esteem
  • Relationships and Family Issues
  • Published Articles
  • Public
  • Perfectionism
  • Newsletter Articles
  • Miscellaneous
  • Mid Life Issues
  • Help Me!
  • Grief Recovery
  • For Professionals
  • EMDR
  • Content Subscription
  • Anxiety and Depression
  • Anger Issues

Subscribe to my mailing list

Receive all new articles, commentaries and updates on events and my book directly to your inbox.

All content copyright © 2011-2025 Richard B. Joelson. All Rights Reserved.

Essays are not available for reprinting/reuse without express written permission.
Please contact me to obtain permission.

Privacy Statement • Sitemap

Why Is Registration Required?

As you may know, up until May 2016, this article was freely available to the public without registration. Now, however, this article and many more are available in edited form in my new book, Help Me!.

I was advised during the publishing process to completely remove all of these articles from this site, but it’s very important to me that these articles stay accessible to the public in their original form, to help those in need and to help increase understanding.

Therefore, I’m requiring you to take a moment and register with this site to be able to access all of the restricted content on this site, for free. If you’d like, during registration you are also welcome to sign up for my mailing list, which will allow you to receive all new articles and commentaries posted to this site in your inbox automatically.

Some of my most popular posts do not require registration at all.

If you have any questions or comments, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Richard_Signature