I introduced the concept of mirroring to my clients. Simply, mirroring in this effort, means using “I” language to convey his or her thoughts, feelings, or experiences to the other person in the dialogue. Shaming, blaming, or criticizing the listener is avoided and the person talks about him or herself. The listener echoes the sender’s message word for word or by paraphrasing or using a lead sentence like, “Let me see if I’ve got you. You said…” Mirroring is designed to help a person tune in and carefully listen to what the other person is really saying, rather than listening to the reactions and responses going on in his or her head while the other person is talking. When Rachel and Ira learned to mirror in this way, their communication became much more focused and productive and, rather than continue to recycle their age-old arguments and issues, they began to better resolve conflicts, settle differences, and generally enjoy their communication because it was no longer as frustrating and contentious.
Validation is another important communications tool that helps people talk to each other more productively and helps to avoid conflict. Validation refers to each person in a dialogue acknowledging what the other person said without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing with what was said to them. Too often, communication breaks down when a person instantly disagrees with the content, rather than simply acknowledging what was said, i.e. validating the other person. This keeps the connection going between the two people in the dialogue, rather than getting stuck – often angrily so – in the all-too-familiar “who’s right-who’s wrong” deadlock. This proved especially helpful to Lila who too often turned attempts at conversation into contentious exchanges or “debates” as we referred to them, since for her, right and wrong were paramount and she argued her “positions,” with people, all the while complaining that there were fewer and fewer people in her life..perhaps as a result of her communication style. Once Lila benefited from being mirrored and feeling validated, the angry vigor of her argumentative approach to conversing with others was gradually replaced with a more even-tempered and profound level of dialogue with others.
People who did not receive validation in early life are, not surprisingly, the adults who often have the most difficulty with this. Brenda, a client of mine, is a good example. In the beginning of our therapeutic relationship, Brenda rarely acknowledged anything I said. She would politely listen to my comments and then offer hers, however her remarks were mostly new thoughts or ideas and rarely a direct or relevant response to anything I had just said. Instead of a dialogue, it felt more like a parallel monologue without much, if any, connection between us. When I mirrored her and, in doing so, validated what she had said (i.e. “I hear you, Brenda,” or “I gotcha” or “That makes sense to me,” etc.) our communication improved and enhanced our working alliance immeasurably.
The client illustrations here represent the effort made on both sides to modify troubled communication patterns that developed over a lifetime and were, therefore, not easily altered. Once some change was realized, however, each client was not only able to enjoy the improvement, but was able to positively influence their communication with others. Mirroring and validation had enabled each of them to attain a higher degree of listening patience and a calmer, more thoughtful approach to conversation with others.
