• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Richard B. Joelson, DSW

Psychotherapist, Author

  • Home
  • Book
    • Press Kit
  • Articles
  • Commentaries
  • Audio
  • Biography
  • Practice
  • Contact

If There Is an Us, What Happens to Me?

by Richard B. Joelson, DSW.  Category: Help Me!, Newsletter Articles. 

Image of a couple with a dog at sunset

Image by enriquelopezgarre from Pixabay

Balancing the needs of the individual and the couple…

This intriguing question–in so many variations–has been asked by many people who are struggling with both the joys and the consequences of being involved in a serious romantic partnership. For some, being single is a most desirable state and valued for the many freedoms and opportunities it affords. Many people choose to be single and resist serious romantic involvements because they do not wish to complicate their independent and autonomous lives. For others, being single is a time of waiting; waiting to be partnered so they can, as one patient remarked, “feel whole again.” For them, being single is unacceptable or, worse, a possible indication that they are undesirable, as in “nobody wants me.”

Laura, in her mid-fifties, was recently divorced after a ten-year second marriage. She told me that she was enjoying being alone, finding it quite different from the unacceptably lonely existence she envisioned when she first contemplated leaving her husband. Her enjoyment was much more than simply the relief of being out of a conflict-ridden marriage. Her single status was a time of discovery and a cherished opportunity to learn things about herself and about the world around her that she never seemed to have the inclination to do while in the throes of her failing relationship. As a result, Laura has chosen not to become involved with another romantic partner, something she had previously imagined she would find necessary. She told me that she was very busy reestablishing relationships with friends whom she knowingly avoided or even neglected throughout her marriage: “Hal didn’t like my friends so I just assumed I could not be with them as long as I was with him.” She rediscovered her love of music (“Hal hated music!”) and began taking evening courses to help her become more knowledgeable about politics, economics, and art (“Hal hated it when I would go out at night without him and he never wanted to go anywhere so we just stayed home”). As Laura put it, “As long as there was an ‘us,’ there really wasn’t a ‘me’.”

As you can see, Laura struggled throughout her marriage with what is sometimes referred to as “I and we” conflicts. When she would act in a separate and autonomous way, her husband would accuse her of neglecting him and not adequately investing in the marital relationship. Worried about his occasional threats to leave, Laura would capitulate, having become convinced that it was entirely up to her to save her marriage by making sure Hal was satisfied, even at the cost of her own individual happiness and well-being.

Laura’s story is not unique. There are many marital partners—both men and women—who somehow believe that the “us” is much more important, more valuable, more necessary than the “me,” and, therefore, live their lives accordingly. What gets lost is the working balance between the needs of the individual and those of the couple. Often, it is not until separation and divorce that they begin to recognize that without a healthy, solid, and well-nourished “I” within the “we,” a partnership may feel constricting or, worse, draining, in ways that make its long-term success unlikely.

Tweet
Share
Share
0 Shares

An updated version of If There Is an Us, What Happens to Me? is included in my new book, Help Me!. More information, including the table of contents, reviews and purchasing information is available on the Help Me! page.

Primary Sidebar

Recent Commentaries

  • Commentary: Growth and Fixed Mindsets

  • Thoughts on Trauma in the Time of COVID-19

  • Anticipatory Anxiety and the Current Political Climate

  • Commentary on “Insight Rich and Change Poor” and “Thinking Instead of Doing”

Top Articles

  • Ambivalationships

  • Chronic Couples Conflict – Causes & Cures

  • Fears, Feelings, and Facts

  • Good Enough – Excellent – Perfect

  • Handling Rather Than Avoiding

  • Hindsight, Insight, and Foresight

  • How Could They Have Said That?

  • Insight Rich and Change Poor

  • Marriage is a Verb, Not a Noun

  • Married Bachelors – Married Bachelorettes

  • Premature Quitting

  • Pride or Boasting

  • Problem or Condition?

  • Self-Blame or Self-Inquiry?

  • Snatching Defeat From the Jaws of Victory

  • Syntonic and Dystonic

  • Thinking Instead of Doing

  • Unsolicited Advice

News

  • Commentary: Growth and Fixed Mindsets

    June 23rd, 2021
  • Thoughts on Trauma in the Time of COVID-19

    April 3rd, 2020

Article Categories

  • Work and Career Issues
  • Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress
  • Stress Management
  • Self-Esteem
  • Relationships and Family Issues
  • Published Articles
  • Public
  • Perfectionism
  • Newsletter Articles
  • Miscellaneous
  • Mid Life Issues
  • Help Me!
  • Grief Recovery
  • For Professionals
  • EMDR
  • Content Subscription
  • Anxiety and Depression
  • Anger Issues

Subscribe to my mailing list

Receive all new articles, commentaries and updates on events and my book directly to your inbox.

All content copyright © 2011-2025 Richard B. Joelson. All Rights Reserved.

Essays are not available for reprinting/reuse without express written permission.
Please contact me to obtain permission.

Privacy Statement • Sitemap

Why Is Registration Required?

As you may know, up until May 2016, this article was freely available to the public without registration. Now, however, this article and many more are available in edited form in my new book, Help Me!.

I was advised during the publishing process to completely remove all of these articles from this site, but it’s very important to me that these articles stay accessible to the public in their original form, to help those in need and to help increase understanding.

Therefore, I’m requiring you to take a moment and register with this site to be able to access all of the restricted content on this site, for free. If you’d like, during registration you are also welcome to sign up for my mailing list, which will allow you to receive all new articles and commentaries posted to this site in your inbox automatically.

Some of my most popular posts do not require registration at all.

If you have any questions or comments, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Richard_Signature