Photo: Shutterstock
“Death by a thousand cuts” is one way to understand relationship failure.
There continues to be too many romantic partnerships that eventually fail…often to the shock and dismay of one or both partners. For many couples, it is a stunning development that was mostly or even completely unforeseen by one or both of the people involved. The phrase “death by a thousand cuts,” meaning major negative change which happens slowly and in many often unnoticed increments, is one way to understand relationship failure. This is one of the ways in which marital or marital-like relationships die.
Retrospective analyses or “autopsies” of relationships in jeopardy or that have failed often reveal what I call “erosion of affection.” When issues between partners are not adequately and amicably resolved, and therefore become chronic grievances, the potential for irreparable damage is great. Affection is diminished and negative perceptions replace whatever positive ones might have previously existed.
Amy has been after Mark, her husband, to put his dirty socks in the hamper for over a year. Mark promises to cooperate, but rarely—if ever—does. This exchange between Amy and Mark goes on nightly and, eventually, both of them become angry with the other; Amy, because she feels disrespected and powerless and Mark, who now calls his wife “a nag” for her constant pursuit of his compliance, seems even less inclined to cooperate with Amy’s request because he is now consciously or unconsciously disinclined to ‘give her’ what she has been asking him for. More importantly, the stalemated issue of the socks has changed the atmosphere in the relationship. Amy’s frustration has now grown into resentment both because of the socks on the floor and being called a name as “punishment for my persistence.”
An often unrecognized consequence of unresolved issues like this one is that it infiltrates the marital system and leads to other accusatory and blameworthy exchanges. It tends to invite lower tolerance for the partner’s other quirks, foibles, and irritating behaviors that earlier had been either trivialized or ignored. The spotlight shines on the negatives since that might be the new focus, especially if there has been little or no conflict resolution.
Many couples who eventually seek counseling for their troubled relationship arrive at a therapist’s office when the erosion of affection has possibly caused irreparable damage, thus making the therapeutic enterprise a more complicated, if not doomed, endeavor. It helps if both partners have or can be helped to have sufficient reflective awareness to acknowledge responsibility for the now troubled union and be willing to do the necessary work of restoration and repair. It is especially helpful if neither partner has quietly consulted an attorney and if the subject of separation or divorce has not been part of the recent dialogue between them.
I did not write this piece as an advertisement for couples therapy, however I suppose I am recommending that couples and individuals seek help in order to avoid creating a collection of unresolved issues that have high potential to ruin a relationship. Much like knowing when to consult the physician when a worrisome symptom appears, partners in a relationship need to be reasonably alert to the development of potentially harmful issues that can subvert the quality of their relationship…especially if it erodes affection and becomes very difficult to repair.
