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Being patient with ourselves no matter what the circumstances…
Many patients have spoken to me about their experiences with people in their lives wishing (or worse, telling them) that they must “get over” some emotional condition or disorder from which they are suffering. This could be a state of depression, a grief reaction to the loss of a loved one, or something else that requires time—and maybe professional help—to overcome.
After the terrorist attack on September 11, 2001, I, along with many colleagues in the mental health field in New York City, volunteered to work with individuals and groups of people affected by the tragedy. Some people required months—and longer—to “overcome” the shock and grief associated with losing a loved one. Many felt that there was no such thing as “overcoming” such a loss, but instead looked for whatever relief they could find from the pain and sorrow that troubled them so deeply.
Despite attempts on the part of some professional thinkers and writers to establish timetables and phases for grief reactions, my experience is that grief is a very particular and unique emotional state that every individual experiences differently and it requires varying lengths of time to heal and recover from.
Depression is another emotional state or disorder that sometimes appears to have a life of its own. Often, despite the active efforts of psychotherapist and depression-sufferer, as well as whatever benefits medication might afford, this mood disorder seems, at times, to be treatment resistant and last longer than anyone would have imagined.
Here’s the problem: too often, well-meaning friends and relatives, who don’t fully understand the plight of the person suffering from grief or depression will be heard to say things like, “What’s taking you so long to get over this?” or “Don’t you think you should be better by now?” or “It’s been six months since the funeral, don’t you think it’s time to move on?” Many patients have told me that comments like these simply complicate their grief or their struggle with depression and make them feel worse, as if they were doing something wrong, rather than being affected by forces beyond their control. Telling someone to “snap out of it” when they are consumed with grief or in the throes of a major depression, is not helpful. It lacks understanding and compassion, and does not demonstrate respect for the obdurate nature of these emotional conditions.
In a discussion with a patient recently, I thought of a possible way for him to handle the people in his life who were finding his current depression difficult to tolerate and attempting to be helpful by “demanding” that he get better. I suggested that if he had a diagnosis of cancer, as opposed to major depression, and was receiving chemotherapy, as opposed to psychotherapy and medication, no one would be telling him to “get over it” or “snap out of it.” Rather, they would patiently and hopefully await the results of the treatment and be supportive and understanding throughout. I suggested that he was suffering temporarily from “cancer of the mood”—i.e. depression—and that this explanation might help well-intentioned family and friends remain supportive without getting impatient and believing that there was more he could and should be doing about his problem.
